Ok, I am going to let you in on a little secret of mine.  S learned my secret shortly after we started dating, but I managed to keep it from my oldest children for about 2 years.   So here goes….I am terrified, mortified, absolutely horrifyingly, frighteningly afraid of roaches.   I am not talking the little German roaches.  No, I am talking about the T-rex, palmetto bug, southern bred, sewer rat, whatever you want to call them, moving at the speed of light, roaches.  You know the ones–about 3 inches long not counting the antennea, which seem to have a disgusting length of their own.   And those little buggers can run….FAST!  And have you ever noticed they seem to come right toward you?  It’s like they know if you are afraid of them, and so they want to torment you.  They wait in silence right above the bathroom mirror, just to make their presence known as you lean over to spit in the sink while brushing your teeth.   Or worse, when you are sitting on the toilet and they know you can’t go anywhere, that is when one of these buggers decides to run out from behind the toilet.  Believe me, I have proven their “can’t go anywhere” theory wrong more than once!!  Or, my absolute least favorite, when they just sit on the wall or ceiling above your bed waiting for you to lie down and get all comfy cozy.  AAGGGHHH!  I can’t even think about that time! 

My fear is unhealthy.  As an animal biology major in college, I am well aware of how harmless these creatures are.  But anytime someone tries to remind me that they won’t hurt me, I can’t help but remember the countless blue and green bruises caused by my running into something as I tried to escape from one.  It hurt quite badly, thank you!   I always hoped it would get better.  I could see mice, rats, snakes, lizards, even scorpions all day and be fine.  But send a roach my way, and you won’t see much more of me!  I scheduled pest control when I lived in FL, I avoid going into my garage after dark during roach season, in fact, half the time, S can’t get me to go outside during warm weather evenings unless he goes first and scares all the roaches out of their hiding spots.   When we lived in FL, my dear husband actually installed a motion actived light in our carport so that when we drove the car into the carport, the light would flip on, the roaches would run into hiding, and I could be assured safe passage from the car to the door.   I hate when S is gone for any reason.  It always seems I have a roach encounter inside the house at that time.  I must embarrassingly confess I have actually introduced myself to a new neighbor in the same paragraph that I play the maiden in distress and ask them to come remove the giganti-saurus from my closet! 

So before you go and call DCFS on me, you can rest assured that my house is generally quite clean and pest free.  In fact, God has truly blessed me over the years and allowed me to have few enough roach encounters that I can remember almost every single traumatic one in great detail.  I have also learned a few tricks for dealing with them from a distance.  Did you know that if you spray enough aeresol hairspray on one (which can be done from across the room, btw), they will gradually slow down, stop breathing, freeze up, and even die?  Then you just have to wait until someone braver comes along to remove the carcass from your wall.   Of course, there is always a sticky hairspray residue that has to be removed, but for me, that little inconvenience is well worth it! 

So why do I tell you this?  Because I am downright proud of myself!  I actually removed 2 from my house in the last 2 weeks.  One was very much alive and I used the  vacuum on him (extended absolutely as long as possible, rest assured!), and the other was today.  He was half dead, but I actually got close enough to remove him using the old cover-him-with-a-disposable-cup-and-slide-an-object-underneath trick.  My husband and kids had a great laugh at my expense, but by joe, I did it (I just hope I don’t have to do it again in the next 20 years!)  My heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest, and I don’t think I have to worry about heart disease, as any accumulation in my arteries was likely thoroughly loosened thanks to the blood pressure behind it this morning.   I survived, my husband is proud, and I just thought I would share!

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